By joshua 
The Yahaya Bello/Gandollar Shenanigan
There should be a modern law of sacrilege. Just because America started selling the type of democracy it no longer practices does not mean that people can just act as they please.
Imagine scrolling through YouTube to kill boredom and coming across #arisetv’s Orji Okpe and her gang spewing sacrilege and laughing in the process. Fes o fes, who authorized Obaigbena’s mouthpiece to broadcast two sacrilegious clips at the same time? Just who?
A clip in which some PDP and LP supporters were calling for the trial of Saint Yeye Bello of Kogi State ought to be banned. These children have been reading their Bibles upside down. They got their catechism wrong. Who says that Bello is a cousin to Barabbas of the Christ trial era? That is sacrilege.
Of all the governors that governed before Baba Tilumbu became president, nobody did better than Yeye Bello. I mean, the evidence is out there. Check Lokoja, the state capital, a glorified rural area with electric poles that does not provide electricity, taps that hardly run and roads that are beautiful craters. Kogi evil servants are the most contented ones in the entire Nigeria. You will see them looking gaunt after fasting because they have no choice. If only they knew the address of Mrs. Ibas from either Wike or the original Simi that will not simi or rest lori alaye.
Sorry I digress, so these people are asking for the arrest of Bello. For what? Fun kini o jare. A man who did so well his cousin had to hide him in a vault to prevent him from taking all the chieftaincy titles from Igalaland through Ebiraland up to the Yagba boundaries of Ilorin. Please leave Bello out of your mouths or else…well, what happened in 1857 would happen again.
If that was all, I would not have pulled my dusty keyboard from the wall where I hung it. But the Arisetv gang expressed shock that a policeman stoop so high to lace the shoe of Gandollar. Silly people!
As if that was the first time this is happening. Rung rung time ago, with apology to my #tiv blodas and sistas (#Aveseh Asough don’t come for me), dogs have been known to lick the shoes of their masters. In fact, they do more than licking shoes, but you can check that on TikTok, children are reading this.
The last time I addressed this, we saw a security detail polishing off the shoes of a one-time defense chief, one Danbanza. The heavens did not fall. Police ADCs carry Madam’s bag and no robbery has ever happened as a result. DPOs ask their subordinates to use government-supplied divisional vehicles to take Madam to the market and children to school. This is not an abuse of protocol except if you lived in the fake years of Buhari/Idiagbon regime when official vehicles were meant strictly for official duties and had to be parked at the end of the day.
Now to those who thought those were good days, well, Buhari came back and rewrote the signal. He allowed his daughter to take the presidential jet to Bauchi abi na Gombe where government also organized a special Durbar to help her hone her photography skills. When some of you bad belle people complained, the then mother of the nation, Aisha Buhari kuku vexed and splashed the pictures all over her social media handles. I hear some people have not been able to eat dinner since then.
Well, that was until they saw Deputy President Seyi Tinubu take the same jet to a special Polo tournament somewhere in the northern hemisphere. Honestly, I hate what I don’t like. It was only this morning that I was getting drunk of a combination of hot coffee and French vanilla for my sugar cravings that I was saying how wonderful it is to live in retirement even without pension or gratuity.
You people should stop pretending that the police is your friend because they are not. How many of your friends ask – wetin you carry when they see you on the road or, wetin you bring come when you go visiting them. How many of them are ready to shoot you dead if you didn’t answer them in a positive way.
I have heard, long ago that Gandollar is so humble he couldn’t afford the services of a valet, so what is wrong if his orderly doubles as a valet. After all, by agreeing to be a boi-boi to a big man, he has saved himself from being sent to the battlefront to confront the boko boys, kidnappers or ritual killers. And honestly, these uniformed boi-boi look really dainty, because their oga makes sure that the best supplies get to them – from usual general issues like belt, boots, berets and even the uniform that their colleagues can’t afford to the leftovers from Oga’s kitchen. Country hard!
I think I know why they’re jealous – its because they are not qualified for these lofty positions, with the exception of course of Reuben Apati who may soon get an award for consistently wearing winter dresses in summer – with panache.
It’s almost dinner time, make I go drink gari and water! By the way, who is VDM? Is he darker than me? We are all very dark men, with the exception of Ajuri Obari Ngelale!
Photo from Arise shows an identified but identifiable police officer working for his plum posting.